Sis, Put Down The Cape: A Black Woman’s Guide To 21st Century Self Care
In October 2021, I went in for a routine breast reduction and was left with a nasty infection that could’ve very well ended my life. I was sick and literally dying for nearly a month, slowly degraded by the antibiotics that were supposed to make me better. Dealing with wound care and negligent hospital staff only increased my stress in the aftermath. Nearly the entire experience, except for my surgeon’s competence and general kindness, left me feeling like something had to give. It was either me or my body, and based on the views from my hospital bed, if I didn’t throw in the towel, my body would.
Healing from my surgery gave me a lot of time to reflect. I spent weeks realizing that my body had done its job; it’d carried me all that way when it didn’t have to. The fact that it was beginning to give out forced me to accept that I needed to start doing my part in helping to carry the both of us from there into the future. You only get one body. Don’t just use it up. Build it to its best. Once I was able to internalize and act on these thoughts, I was healed.
The most significant contributing factors to the inequality Black women face in attempts to engage in self-care is a two-part systematic dilemma. As Black women, in corporate and private spaces, we’re constantly faced with a compounded form of racism and sexism. Our blackness and womanhood are the two things we can never change, yet we fight our hardest to overcome. The perceived low expectations of our culture and high expectations of our sex never leave our minds or anyone else’s. These thoughts keep us working against everything placed naturally within us. The conclusions we jump to about what it looks like to reach maturity as a Black woman keep us stressed. We say things like, ‘If I don’t show up one hundred and fifty percent today and every day after, then I’m not going to represent my culture, foremothers, or myself.’ Contemplating balance, I wondered how I could be a boss — responsible for bringing in the income meant to feed the families of 5+ people, totally enamored with pursuing new business — and still prioritize self-care.
Leaning on the simple idea that all small things add up to big results, I had to intentionally create a holistic wellness routine that I could easily adopt. Even if everything else in our lives is difficult, our health certainly shouldn’t be either. Today, I avoid elective surgeries like the literal plague they can bring. I acknowledge that my youth is behind me, making health complications that much more likely as the days progress. I eat healthier. I have a standup desk that I love to use. I have a cool water bottle that encouragingly tells me how much water I should be drinking and by when. As much as I can, I forgo Zoom meetings for telephone ones so that I can walk and talk without being criticized for being on the move. I use the Liberate Mediation App, so Black voices can guide me into my most zen state of mind. And most importantly, I’ve learned to let go of the notion that because I’m a Black woman, I have to be superhuman and super strong for everybody all around, all the time.
From my experiences on this healing journey, I’ve inevitably racked up a few helpful tips for self-care in a world that doesn’t encourage women like me to do so. Sharing them here is my form of radical resistance. Although I don’t intend to make this a list of must-haves or scrutiny of do’s and don’ts for your Black girl self-care ritual (because what works for me most likely won’t work for everybody), I do want this to inspire you to create a plan you can commit to daily. Because I believe we can still fully be ourselves — beautiful, strong, enigmatic Black women — while unapologetically engaging in 21st Century self-care.
Put Down The Cape
Assuming an active role in my overall health and well-being promptly began with me thinking differently about who I am and what I have to offer this world. There’s a myth that Black women are superheroes. Though there’s no denying that we are the mothers of all people and are actual magic, we’re still human and not incapable of being hurt, degraded, or demolished. Adhering to this myth broke down my holy trinity of Black women and quickly did a number on me as I recovered from surgery. But once I shifted my thinking and accepted my vulnerability, there were so many new and unconsidered ways of taking care of myself that flowed into my consciousness.
When I say, ‘sis, put down the cape,’ that doesn’t mean I want you to stop wearing your crown. It means that I want you to think differently about the role you play. Putting down your cape implies that you’ll no longer subscribe to the supernatural expectations that have been placed on Black women since we were brought to this country in shackles and chains — expected to do whatever because others stole our right to say ‘no.’ Putting down your cape puts everyone on notice that you are reclaiming your time.
No, you cannot do more with less. No, you will not bear the weight of the world on your shoulders simply because they have a history of holding it. And no, you will no longer worry about the world because it’s big and old enough to worry about itself.
Putting your cape down is transformative and, thus, a reflective measure. When we shed unnecessary armor, we not only see our humanity, but we force all others to see it too. Once you’ve boldly voiced, “I’m only human, and I’m no longer willing to take on this burden,” then giving yourself every task under the sun no longer seems like the most accessible option. Immediately, your workload will be alleviated.
You can still be a queen, the boss, and the baddest rolled into one, but putting down the cape leads to the acceptance of your boundaries and the dismantling of the lie that you are required to overextend yourself. I can testify that taking small, intentional steps toward joy and wellness are essential for bettering ourselves and our environments in this age. We cannot pour from empty vessels — nourish your soul by letting your no always be a no.
Forget Old Ways
Intentionally engaging in the purposeful actions that go against failing systems is best for starting on your wellness journey. In a capitalistic society, rest is resistance — unabridged in its ability to reset unreasonable expectations of what it means to be productive and what our relationship to our health and well-being should look like. Releasing our allegiance to those societal norms that keep us overworking ourselves begins with letting go.
Let go of the idea that your employer is responsible for your happiness and well-being. Just because they contribute to your health insurance doesn’t mean you should put all your faith in them to take care of you when it truly counts.
Let go of the idea that you always have to be happy, available, wealth-producing, and solution-oriented. Instead, give yourself the freedom of being vulnerable and transparent. Share exactly what you’re going through, how you’re feeling, and where you might feel supported. For example, choosing to say, ‘today was difficult, and I had a hard time,’ is entirely different than giving unfettered access to your raw emotions.
Take Ownership
It’s essential to take ownership of your journey to becoming well, so get some folks to hold you accountable. For example, I have a circle of Black women that text me, “Hey sis, we know you’re working, but are you taking time for yourself? Did you take a wellness break?” This open communication leaves no room for excuses, and it motivates me.
As we advocate for change within White spaces, strengthening our accountability partnerships becomes crucial. Something that’s helped me has been sending random texts to colleagues, friends, and family that read: Sending you good vibes, or Did you drink your water today? Another thing I do is connect with similar individuals, those in higher education, for example, to openly share the issues I’m currently facing. In those instances, I can become a sounding board for like experiences and a thought partner for more excellent solutions.
Unplug (Responsibly)
Virtual spaces are becoming exhausting for many of us, though it can be hard to peel ourselves away. There was a time when social media was what you employed to escape your responsibilities, and now it’s become one of those places overflowing with them. Whether you’re connecting socially or professionally, the internet can leave us feeling anxious and depleted of the precious energy we need to get us through this physical world. It’s evident that when we’ve taken the time to reflect on our actions and past decisions, we can only move accordingly in the present moment. But digital media does a fantastic job of keeping us distracted from this practice. One piece of feedback we at YMAN have been getting from young people about how to combat this problem is to do less.
When it comes to virtual programming, we often feel pressured to engage in excessive digital communication to fill the space and time we’ve missed from not engaging in face-to-face interaction. But we don’t have to overdo it. Once we understand that it’s okay to let an available moment pass without connection, we can finally begin to be deliberate with our virtual time.
Unplugging more might look like taking less time to answer emails or send invoices and more time engaging in physical interaction, even if that means forgoing digital wellness resources. While apps are great, they often relegate critical therapeutic steps into mindless tasks to be clicked away. Additionally, each app’s primary services may not be easily accessible by all members of the target population. Though I love the idea of Talkspace and others like it, I think we increasingly lose a sense of community that we can’t afford to let go of. Engaging with our in-person community is vital and ultimately strengthened with some of the more traditional, face-to-face forms of therapy and wellness.
Date Yourself
One of the best things I’ve ever done for myself is schedule a designated time for me. If built into a daily routine, rest can be a planned deadline that’s much easier to meet. I create space to rest at the start of my day by rarely taking meetings set to begin before nine or ten o’clock. During that free time, I give myself an hour to get a workout in. As the day progresses, I intentionally build rest within the other scheduled items, marking off available moments for short breaks, extended lunches, or even naps, as necessary. So then, rest becomes much more than a supplement or luxury.
Gift Grace
On your mission to carve out time for rest and rejuvenation, be sure to give yourself, and others around you, grace. But especially yourself. Everything isn’t going to be perfect– that inbox of 500 emails is not going to get answered by the end of the day, or even the end of the week, depending on what you might have going on. But remembering to be kind to yourself as you explore your options for optimum regeneration is imperative for efficiently completing tasks.
From a practical perspective, giving yourself grace looks like putting an end to the ridiculous expectations you’re currently holding onto of who you can be and what you can produce. The advice I have for my Type-A brain is to chill out; respectfully. Because I’ve learned that I tend to be harder on myself than anyone else, I do my best to acknowledge my skewed perceptions in the present and act accordingly. Especially during periods of great stress, like the pandemic, it’s imperative that I lay off the self-criticisms and lean into forgiveness. Giving others grace looks like sharing your authentic self and accepting theirs as well. Though it doesn’t mean holding your tongue when things are going wrong, it does mean pouring a little sugar on whatever issues you plan to bring up to them because you never know what they might be going through themselves.
Ultimately, the journey to wellness is one of reflection and growth. Tucked into those moments where we think to ourselves, ‘I should’ve done better,’ we should instead be grateful for what did get done and look to a future of making decisions based on how we feel. And as you continue to go through this learning process of trial and error, temper your fears of not getting it right the first time and aim to prioritize self-care in some capacity. Your body definitely will not wait around forever for you to start taking care of it.
Torie Weiston-Serdan, Ph.D. is a writer, social impact leader, and philanthropist. She currently serves as Chief Visionary Officer at the Youth Mentoring Action Network and is the Founder of the Center for Critical Mentoring and Youth Work.
